Happy Fucking New Year

A little less than two hours left in 2011 and I'm pretty much forcing myself to stay awake. I really don't have any reason to though. It's just me and the kiddos, which are all passed out, so what I should be doing is go to bed. Instead I decided to reflect a little on this past year...

2011 was definitely a year of change. Good and bad. It's been a year of growth on my end. 

They say a woman changes every 7 years. Well, it's save to say that that's pretty much what I did in 2011...

I've had my low points, and lord knows I've had plenty of those, but I've somehow managed to pull myself back up over and over to enjoy every second of many amazing moments. And at this point I have to take a minute and thank the people involved, who always stood beside me. I know I wouldn't be where I'm at today without you, and it may not seem like you've done anything special, but just being there and listening, actually really listening, has helped me so much. Understanding. Giving advice - whether I liked it or not. I know there's probably 20 if not more reading this and padding themselves on the shoulder thinking "yes, she's talking about ME! I've been such a great friend bla bla bla". And if this were a facebook status, they'd "like" it to show me "they know" I'm referring to them. Nothing like that is needed here... 

I know you don't really need me to say this but I do thank you from the bottom of my heart for standing by me through and through. This year has definitely proven once and for all that it's always gonna come down to the same people. And I'm more than grateful that it's you...

To clear a couple of things up. I don't have anger issues. I'm not bitter. I don't hate my life. I'm not a backstabber. I'm not a bitch - well define "bitch". I'm not depressed. I'm not whatever negative bullshit you're making up to make yourself feel better.
I just don't enjoy being lied to. I can't stand it when people talk shit behind my back to make themselves look all high and mighty. I'm not much into toxic friendships and I'm sick of drama queens and attention seeking whores - which by the way goes for males and females. I don't like to be disrespected or taken advantage of. Fake cunts piss me the fuck off. Again, NO, I don't have anger issues :O)

Yes, I've changed. I'm no longer just sitting back watching people walk all over me. And at some point in my life, I had to make the decision that that even goes for family. Which I understand, pisses most of them the hell off and people around me judge me for that. But you know, if people who are considered family can't take me for who I am, if they can't love me just the way I am, why do I have to let that affect me? Why am I expected to change to their liking? 

All my life I've lived for others. I've always put myself in the background and made sure everyone else got what they needed and that they were happy. I avoided confrontation, which, yes I still do mostly but I'm getting there. 

Call it midlife crisis if you must, but I'm not getting any younger here. I don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life pleasing everyone else around me just so I can wake up one day realizing I've wasted my best years doing just that. I don't regret being there for everyone or any of that, don't get me wrong. But for me to be happy inside and out, I need to finally put myself first. And I understand that it'll take time to adjust for some, and I hope they will, just quit calling me all these names for fucks sake :O) 

I've met some amazing new people this year. I've also met a couple I can't wait to get rid off at some point 'cause they're just sucking the life right out of me. But, as it takes time to let people in to your life, it takes time to show them the door... 

On a positive note, I don't think I've ever met as many awesome fucking people in just one year than I have in 2011. What I value most is that they get me. Maybe it's just easier 'cause they didn't know me before so there wasn't that transition time that so many seem to have an issue with. But seriously. I'm enjoying this, whatever "this" is. This "journey" that I'm on I guess you could say. 

In 2011 I've learned that, you can't expect people to understand your point of view if you're afraid to speak up.

I've learned that I don't have to be afraid of who I am, 'cause I'm not all that bad. 

I've learned that you always have to expect the unexpected. 

You have to take the good with the bad. 

You have to hurt first to know what love feels like. 

Epidurals are fucking awesome when placed correctly.

Almost everything tastes better with BBQ sauce on it.

I've learned that a third child does make a huge difference - and everyone else who thinks otherwise is a fucking dumbass.

That I have a potty mouth.

I've learned that I have way too many stalkers on my facebook - and I mean seriously, some of you need to get over your fucking selves and stop telling others to stalk my page and then report back to them, 'cause that's just fucking beyond pathetic and sorta creepy at the same time!

I <3 facebook.

Always wipe finger prints off your plasma tv right when you notice them, don't get distracted, cause you WILL forget and they WILL stay there and you WILL have a pissed off husband especially when he has to find out about it on your blog (mimi did it). 

Life can be a fucking bitch. 

But most importantly, I've learned that without faith, you're pretty much screwed... 

Hence why this chicken shit aka moi is going to get her first tattoo, at the age of ALMOST 30 (pathetic, right?) and it'll simply say "faith". Just so I can remind myself on a daily basis, that that's pretty much all it comes down to in the end. Now the question is what part of my body it'll end up... 

Well. 2011 it's been a blast. Thank you for making this the probably most memorable year so far. Here's to 2012, let the journey continue...

So long fuckers <3 

Fuck the "title" no one reads this shit anyway

I really don't enjoy "downer blogs" but for now I feel like I have to do something that'll help me pull myself together before I run to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes. YES. It's THAT bad. After 766 days - 2 years, 2 months and 4 days - I've been pushed that far over the edge that I just don't give a fuck anymore. All the reasons I quit in the first place are out the window, and I couldn't care less. There's only so much a person can take, only so much I can take without breaking. Sure you can break me, I'll just stitch myself right back up and keep going. It's just like my stupid toe that keeps on breaking over and over, it'll heal eventually. It never quite grows back the way it's supposed to but that's ok. It'll function until the next time I don't pay attention and just break it again. Difference here is though, I break my toe on ACCIDENT. I don't mean to break it. Maybe I wasn't supposed to get hurt either, but I do believe when you say things, do things, cause things to happen, knowing it's not fair to me, knowing it's not true and all it does, and therefor the only reason you're doing whatever it is you're doing, is to help YOU out, cause you're fake two faced bitch or you're simply a selfish asshole that doesn't want to be blamed for their mistakes or piss poor choices, you know it'll hurt me in some way. So you take that risk willingly. It's not that you made a choice and oops, you're oh so sorry this happened, you really didn't mean to. NO. FUCK YOU. You did mean it, so spare me your fake ass words coming out of your fake ass mouth. 

Why? Why would you purposely fuck someone over like that? Over and over? There aren't many answers to that question really.

A) you really really just don't give a shit about anyone but yourself

B) you're a coward and you just can't help it - your cowardly nature forces you to do cowardly things in a cowardly way

C) you do it knowing that you'll be forgiven. Because I'm dumb enough to forgive you. Again and again.

And that for one is true. I cut people way way WAY too much slack. I take way too much shit from friends and family because I don't like hurting people. Even when they deserve it, I just don't like going there. For some odd reason I think it's not ok to hurt people. What the hell is wrong with me??? Seriously. 

Alone today I had to put up with so much shit from people that are supposed to "love" me and should support me and be there for me and NOT sell me out and bring me down!  I'm sitting here keeping myself from throwing up cause I'm so fucking pissed. And there's just so much going thru my mind right now and Jesus Fucking Christ (shut it, Jesus loves me anyway) that makes me wanna curse the shit out of so many people on here right now, but NO, I'm so fucking stupid I still chose not to because it may hurt them. I don't have a fucking problem offending people, ha, I'm sure y'all know that by now. But this is different, 'cause it's serious. It's not something you just "get over". Breaking trust, breaking hearts, breaking faith, that's something you just don't get over.

But I guess I'll just suck it up and take one more for the team. For the greater good of whatever this is here. Talk your talk, do and say whatever makes you feel better. I'll take it, I'll get over it, I'll fix myself - yet again. I'll be ok, don't worry. After all, that's what I'm fucking known for, right? Let's throw all this shit at her and see how much she can take. And when we're done, and she's still somewhat on her feet, we'll throw some more. Fuck we'll take out a "shit loan" should we ever run out, just so we can throw some more fucking shit at her!!!!! 

Guess what? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU AND ESPECIALLY FUCK YOU!!!!

Now that that's said, I shall keep on walking with my head held high knowing that I'm better than this. That I deserve better than this and that one day I will finally be treated like I should be. 

Thanks for nothing. Oh yeah, and btw

I'm out fuckers. 

And the winner is...

I have come to the conclusion that my two older kids have their mind set on driving their mother to the point of full insanity in the shortest amount of time.

It's what gets them out of bed in the morning and keeps them going throughout the day.

Whatever mom says, let's NOT do it. And when she tells us again and again and again, let's still NOT do it. Let's fight constantly, and yell and scream at each other. Let's always tell on each other and definitely over and over so she doesn't forget we're here. Never pick up our belongings and make sure we disregard all warnings that if she finds our toys spread across the house again, they'll end up in the trash - like she would ever do such thing! Always remain absolutely out of control when in public but especially when at the grocery store after "pinky promising" in the car that this trip would be different and not end up with tears - her tears, not ours. We must nag her constantly about how boring and miserable our lives are due to her lack of splitting herself between three kids and the little things she does. Cause I mean really, if she can stay up until after midnight on most days and be wide awake at 6am and that after being up at least twice each night playing with the baby, well she clearly didn't do much all day or else she'd be tired and go to bed when we do. Never should be forget to always demand things like extra time, wanting new things, her taking us out to the movies and of course being paid an allowance for chores we NEVER do.

Clearly. I deserve the "mom you fucking suck" award for the year 2011. And surely if I keep this shit up, I'll be the runner up for next years title before 2012 even begins.

And let's not get into the "shitty wife of the century" award. Looks like I got that one covered as well.

Well. At least now I can't say I never win.

Over and out fuckers.