Dear Supermom

Dear Supermom,

Today I am writing you in regards to my terrible parenting skills. I am seeking your advice and help seeing how I am clearly NOT capable of raising my children the right way.

Please don't count in the facts that I am currently a little slow on my feet seeing how I'm a 200lbs cow who is awaiting the arrival of her third child in 28 days, a "single mom" with a husband abroad serving his country. I am truly sorry that I am currently not able to run a marathon due to this baby putting all this weight on my cervix that it's hard to walk from the couch to the potty and back. I know it's a disgusting sight and I am trying my best to make my children's lived less miserable and giving them every second of stored energy rather than resting.
I don't know if you can somehow relate to how it is without a husband in the service and two children that don't know how to deal with daddy being gone so they start going cookoo. The constant fighting and screaming in this house clearly is because of my lack of parenting skills and keeping them busy 24/7. Be advised when I say "constant" I mean AT ALL TIMES POSSIBLE. I'm not sure what's worse, the fighting and screaming that doesn't involve me - well not until the try to beat each other in who can run faster to mommy to tell on the other - or, how easy it is for them to completely ignore everything I say.

Don't mind that it's been rough on me that family really isn't what it's intended seeing how I have absolutely NO support here whatsoever. Yes they're far away, but there isn't even such thing as morale support coming from the ones that brought me into this world and the ones that grew up under the same roof as I did.
I guess between all of this and paying bills, cleaning the house, setting up for the new baby, planning summer activities for the kids, cooking, laundry, the family pets, doctors visits, ER visits, the dentist, playdates, fundraisers, volunteer work, teaching things from learning how to write your name, potty training, meaning of holidays and answering any possible question they could have, I must have lost my ability to be a good mom because today I dared to let them play in the backyard with me just sitting in a chair and looking up in the sky TRYING to find a moment to rest. Prior to that I filled up their new kiddy pool with about two inches of water and reminded them of a few rules: don't touch my plants, don't throw anything in that pool, look out for spiders and snakes.
15 minutes later I decide it's time to go inside seeing how my daughter thought it'd be oh so funny so hose down my windows with the garden hose and her brother was yelling at the top of his lungs for her to stop and "counting" like he's her dad, which well, he isn't. So on our way inside I look at the KIDDY pool and oh how prettyful, the water was covered with flowers. Of course there was no answer to my question to why such flowers were in there. Four big eyes and open mouths definitely was all I could expect.

And then to top it all off, I had the nerve to post a very sarcastic status about the flower-pool incident just to be put in my place an reminded what a shitty parent I must be for leaving my unsupervised and obviously too young (or else they'd listen) children outside with a pool they can drown in.

I'm sorry Supermom.
I don't know where I went wrong and why my children simply act like children act, well unless they're so terrified of their parents that they even ask permission to breathe. I don't know why they can't follow every single instruction given, must be a disease because when I was still working as a child and youth program assistant for the united states army, I saw quite a LOT of that and I was always surprised how un-adult-like these kids behaved even though they are meant to listen to each command after hearing it for the first time. My children must suffer from the same horrible virus.

I know my jealousy of your perfect picked fence life with a husband who works 9 to 5 and gets the weekends off, your parents and inlaws living in the same zipcode and your perfect little todds, is downright disgusting and uncalled for, I know.

BUT:
Honestly, i REALLY don't give a shit what you have to say about my oh so poor parenting skills. I've been doing this for more than 8 years and by no means am I perfect, bun unless you have walked as little as a mile in MY shoes, and know the whole story, don't effin judge me as for I don't need your ignorance to mess with my good mood.

Thanks for your time, Supermom. I'm looking forward to your response. NOT.

You'll never know unless you've been to "the other side"

Mimi is sitting next to me on the couch. With her flute... My ears are ringing already but she just said "Mommy, maybe I should play louder so Daddy hears it and comes home faster!?"

If she only knew.

Times like these make me realize how strong you have to be when you're a military spouse and have children. It's one thing having to be strong for yourself but having to be strong for your kids is hard. Especially since it means whatever you need, want or feel isn't what matters.
I wanna sit here and cry because I'm frustrated, hurt and angry and just effin pissed beyond words. I wanna throw things, I wanna hurt someone, heck I'd even take hurting myself. Whatever outlet available to get rid of these feelings. I wanna scream and yell out the truth.
BUT I'm a mother first and foremost. My main priority and goal is to make sure my children are ok at all times. So I force a smile, even though it kills me inside. I gently stroke her hair while reassuring her that Daddy will be home soon and that she shouldn't worry. Daddy loves you and misses you more than words can say little girl, don't you worry, Mommy's always here to ease your pain, even if it means I'll be hurting more.

Tristan coincidentally told me this morning "Mommy I really want Daddy home again, I miss having fun with him!"
It's just one of those days I guess. And I mean it's true, kids can sense when something is up. They know when something isn't quite right. They're probably getting antsy and just need to be reminded that everything's gonna be alright.
And it will.
Like I said. A mother will always put her children's needs first. And a military mom has to do an extra load of that. And we do such without complaining.

We don't only live lonely lives at times filled with lots of fear and tears because it's hard waking up thinking about your soldier who's at war. Going all day without hearing from him. And going to bed crying because you're not sure if he's even still alive.

We also just keep a smile on our faces when you cry to us constantly about your boyfriend of two months who's out of town for two weeks and you're just not quite sure you'll live through this horrible separation. We smile and let you cry on our shoulder and when you actually have the nerve to say "geez I don't know how you do it, going without sex for so long? I would've cheated already!" we still smile even though we wanna strangle you right there on the spot.

When people tell us "it's what you signed up for" or "you knew what you were getting in to" we rarely ever tell them to eff off or go to effin hell! No, we again just smile and take it. For we know we DIDN'T sign up for crap! And we DIDN'T know what it was gonna be like, who the hell does? Are you telling me you ignorant piece of useless crap were born with the great knowledge of knowing what it's like to have a husband at war? No? Well then who the hell gave you the right to speak?

When our inlaws call us upset because they haven't hear from their offspring in a while and make you feel like it's your fault you tell them not to worry, he's just super busy and you remind them that he's at WAR and that you and the kids would love to hear from here more often as well. Unfortunately you have to WAIT too and in the end it's up to him to call them.
Every now and then you're not so nice when telling them. But mostly you are for the "greater good" and to keep the peace.

It really takes a lot out of a person to take all this on top of playing single mom while still having a spouse, making it through these separations that are - believe it or not - NOT easy, keeping faith in your significant other, dealing with the change in personality, never knowing how long you got left and these little human beings that are just scared and confused and need you to make it all better...

I know some don't care. They just do. And they don't mind ignorance.
When it comes to me, let me give you a fair warning:

If you haven't been to my side, don't even think about giving me your two cents cause I'll shove 'em right down your throat!
You DON'T know what it's like and for your own safety, keep your insulting "advice" or comments to yourself. You probably don't even mean any harm but sometimes silence really is golden ;O)

To throw up or to go psycho b****h - that's the question

If there's one thing I really really REALLY hate, it's when I'm being lied to and KNOW that I'm being lied to. I'll never forget the first time my son lied straight to my face without any regrets. The times after that didn't real much different to be honest. It doesn't matter how many times it happens, it hurts the same each time.

 I usually don't mind liars, well I do mind I just don't care if that makes any sense?
I just think it's pathetic when you are not able to tell someone the truth. If you're not adult enough to talk to me on that kind of level then please oh god please don't waste my precious time.
But when it comes to loved ones, real loved ones, the ones I've chosen not the ones that are automatically considered "loved ones" 'cause they're blood, now when they lie to me, I just wanna die 'cause it hurts SOOOOO much.

Now I know a lot of times I may blow things up when there's no need to. Especially now, with my hormones messing with me on a daily basis, it's hard to stay focussed and on target. But I think I still know when people are being dishonest with me. And right now I really have to ask myself, WHY? Why would you lie to me about something as pathetic as your pride and your stubbornness? Just to get your effin way, when you know in the end, you'll hear a big fat "I told you so"?! I seriously don't get it sometimes why people are like that. Not giving a shit about what's at stake. Maybe not even realizing what's at stake. But definetely always sure enough that they have to get their way, no matter the cost. Well sometimes the cost is just too great.

The second most disgusting thing to me is when people think that I'm stupid enough to actually fall for their crap. Let me tell you something, just because I don't call you out on your pathetic lie, doesn't mean I haven't caught you on it. I simply chose to judge you for it in my head and reconsider if you're even worth being around seeing how you think it's neccessary to feed me your crap. I've actually gotten rid of a lot of "friends" recently because of just that. I can't stand liars. I just can't.
Combine lying with thinking I'm stupid and you're definetely on route to be officially off my buddy list.

Geez, I'm seriously so sick right now that I'm literally sitting here telling myself "do not throw up, it's not worth it". And it's not, I know that. When it comes down to it, I have to keep going no matter what, I have to keep planning ahead and just take one day at a time, making decisions that are right FOR ME.

Oh boy, now I'm giggling. It really didn't come so unexpectedly. I should have seen this coming, it's not like this hasn't happened before. Silly me. But you know what, it REALLY isn't worth it. There's no point in arguing with a liar, because a liar who choses to lie straight to your face, won't ever admit to such thing even if you did point it out, so why really would you even consider mentioning it? You know what's going on, I know what's going on.
End of story.


Liar liar pants on fire, hanging from a chicken wire.
It's funny how I hear this about 10 times a day. It's Mimi's faorite new song. Well her version goes more like this "liar liar liar liar hanging from a chicken wire - HA".
If there was a way to spare my children from this kind of pain that sooner or later will be inflicted on them by someone they trust and love, any way at all, I'd do it.


"So the pain begins, as the music fades. And I'm left here, with more than I can take. If you lift me up, just get me through this night. I know I'll rest tomorrow, and I'll be strong enough to try. When the static clears, and all is said and done, I will realize that we all need someone. If you lift me up, just get me through this night. I know I'll rest tomorow and I'll be strong enough to try. So when you see me crashing, and there's nowhere left to fall, will you lift me even higher to rise above this all?!"

Just a few insides

There are a couple of things that caught my attention over the passes few days and they seem to be irritating me. Or else I wouldn't have to write about it.

First of all, and this one is hitting close to home right now, why do people feel the need to use alcohol and its consumption as a replacement for whatever is missing in their life? When you're young you just don't know any better, teens try it at an early age because that's what they see on TV. I am one of those people who truly believes it is or fault our youth is way deep into drugs and alcohol, violence and teen pregnancies. We let them be around it, WE are the ones introducing it to them, so really, you can't blame your child when they start smoking at 14, end up pregnant at 16 with an alcohol and drug addiction. Where were you as a parent teaching them right from wrong? Where were you monitoring what your child was watching on tv, what computer games they were playing, what friends they were hanging out with? Sure, you can't be there all the time, but I'm sorry, if you end up with a teenager with these kind of issues it's not because you "couldn't be there all the time" it's because you failed your children as a parent.
Back to the alcohol issue. Like I said when you're young you don't know any better, it's legal (once you hit a certain age of course, where I'm from 16 for beer and wine, 18 for everything else) everyone else does it so you do it, I get it. I've done it, too. I'd get drunk at the weekends with my friends at the clubs and had a kick ass time. And still nice today to have a little bit to drink when you're out and just wanna "let losse". Me personally, I get that chance maybe twice a year, if that, and well right now that's totally out of the question seeing how I'm almost 8 months pregnant. And no, I DON'T believe that "a glass of wine a day" won't hurt your unborn child. If a glass of wine will make me tipsy, i don't even want to know what it'll do to my unborn child. Everyone thinking it is ok to drink while pregnant, deserves to be slapped upside the head, but that's just my opinion.
So when does drinking become an issue? When do you as the person consuming enormous amounts of alcohol on a regular basis realize, it's too much and has become a problem? How do you get yourself out of it! I think society needs to get away from the image of the heavy alcoholic who is drunk 24/7. It's starts way before that. But society tends to look away because who enjoys pointing fingers at someone saying "you are an alcoholic". I believe once you consider alcohol as a fix-all, a replacement, a way to cope, that's when you're already in way too deep. But it's hard to reach a person who's considering alcohol "a friend". You had a shitty day at work again, so you get drunk. You had a fight with your spouse, so you get drunk. You are over whelmed with whatever situation you're in, so you get drunk. And again and again.
What does that fix? Nothing. It only makes things worse. And sadly, in most cases, you won't realize that until it's too late. Alcoholism is a disease. But since society makes us believe it's "normal" it's "accepted" to drink even at noon, you don't see yourself as being sick. Yet you are.
The most devastating part is not just that you're hurting yourself by slowly destroying yourself and body, you are hurting the ones that love you and are there to help you but you won't reach out because alcohol doesn't want you to talk, it doesn't want you to open up and deal with your issues. No. Alcohol is the backstabbing bitch that'll always smile in your face telling you lies how you'll always have your buddy alcohol but in the end, when it's all said and done, when it's too late, alcohol will have taken everything from you.
You don't just damage yourself, you damage the ones who care about you. So what are they to do? Sit around and watch you go down hill? Are they to interfere? Should they protect themselves? Could you blame them for walking out on you after they've tried absolutely everything to save you from yourself when they almost got lost themselves along the way? And yes you don't see that because the disease has taken over your body AND mind. You're not gonna see any of that until, yes, until it is too late.
I, like many people I know, grew up with alcoholics around them. And it's not pretty to watch, especially not when you're a child. It's painful to watch them hurt other with their actions and words all because they had one too many at the bar. When alcohol becomes a priority and your family comes second, you're crossing a line.
You're not as strong as you seem. You're weak. Hiding behind your drunk facade isn't making you look tough. Hiding from whatever it is you don't want to deal with, no it doesn't make you appear tough at all.
Get help. Offer help. Let them help you. Get better!

What'd you do if another woman were to kiss your husband and he'd tell you about it? I just read that in an army wives support group. And shockingly, out of god knows how many ppl answering there was only ONE that said, she'd be glad he told her but she'd walk away from "her" with class. Everyone else said they'd "beat the shit out of that bitch". What exactly DID happen to classy women? Where have the gone to?
Not only is it extremely low class to "beat the shit" out of someone, but shouldn't you also ask yourself how your significant other even got into that kind of situation? As much as they wanna play the victim, ask yourself, are they really THAT innocent?

And last but not least (at least for now) I HATE it when so called "friends" choose sides when there's an argument in the room and they don't even bother to actually be that friend they should be and hear both sides to the story. Yes NEWSFLASH, there's ALWAYS two sides to EVERY story!
Especially when it comes to relationship issues you are better off shutting the hell up rather than fueling the fire by telling the other party exactly what they want to hear even though they know it's wrong. That they're wrong. They've screwed up and they know it. But maybe you being a screw up yourself, is what makes you jump on the band wagon. Some "friends" you think you can rely on are poison to your life without you even knowing it. Sure we all get advice when we don't know what to do. But I believe the most honest and worthy advice anyone could ever give you is that whatever they'll tell you, they're gonna lose either way and YOU need to figure out for yourself what you think you should do. Not the "OMG is she on her period?", "ah women, they're all the same, let her get over it" or "how dare she! Who does she think she is? She isn't your mother, she can't tell you what to do!" crap, a REAL friend wouldn't say something like that. And I hate to break it to you, but, biotch, I may not be his mother, but I am his WIFE, the mother of his children. So yes, I do own that right that I can tell him what to do and what not to do if it puts him or his family at any kind of risk!
Yes, I occasionally argue with my husband and even fight, we're only human. But let me just make one thing crystal clear to YOU! Just because I've been sitting here quietly all this time, doesn't mean I don't see through you. Just because I smile and let you be part of my life, doesn't mean I respect you. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

That's it for now. Have a lovely tuesday :O)
Peace out

Happy I know what you're going through day

It's drama day 2011.

Also known as Mother's Day. Why? Simple. Because it's usually accompanied with a lot of drama right before and on the said day. I can only nod my head and think "yup someone's always gotta ruin this "special" day for you with lots of disrespect and making you feel like you're totally unappreciated." But hey we go through that on more than one year throughout the year so really, it doesn't matter which day you eff up for me 'cause it'll hurt either which way.

Ok so let's see. On MD you thank your Mother for all she's done for you. Some do more, some less. Some never gave a shit about you and still expect a big ol' thank you.
When it comes to me that really is the biggest no-no. When you expect a present. Ppl that even tell you "oh I want this and that from you for Mother's Day!" WTH??? Ppl like that make me sick, I think it's disgusting to do something like that. Oh to be "disappointed" when all you get is a picture your child drew for you or anything they've made, even when they're already older. Shouldn't it come from the heart though and not from their wallet??? Of course when you're in your mid 30's you're not gonna color your mom a picture anymore. Then it's a bouquet of over priced flowers that will die a couple of days later. Or maybe you'll take her out to dinner. Whatever you think she deserves or well in most cases, because it's what everybody does and it's simply expected. Mother's Day has turned into such a materialistic day and really isn't about what it should be anymore. My son who's 8 years old, and had the funds to buy me something, didn't. And I loved that! I actually had to laugh when I heard myself say "awww you made me something - out of garbage!" he did. That's his thing, he sees empty cardboard boxes, juice boxes, tp rolls, etc and builds stuff out of it! And today all of that was filled with more little things he made, pictures he drew, cut out hearts, cards that told me "you look like an angel! I love you Mommy and I try to help you as much as I can today!" stuff like that warms my heart and makes me wanna cry - not the store bought crap I can go buy myself if I feel I have to have it so bad.

Let's move on to the one subject that causes trouble every year. Should a husband who's also a dad acknowledge his wife on MD?
I think there's three categories when it comes to this.

You have the "assistant dad" who reminds the kids it's MD, helps them make breakfast and assists in anything the kids want to do for mom and gives advice and ideas.

Then there's "the trying to kiss up dad" who knows he never shows how much he appreciates anything the mother to his children does so on MD he goes all out and she'll get flowers, chocolates, expensive gifts. She happily accepts and for the rest of the year she'll continue to whine and complain about him not appreciating her. Kinda like Valentine's Day if you think about and exactly why I don't celebrate it. I don't believe you should be concentrating on that one day out of the year to show your love for your significant other, and then the rest of the year not care. You should show your love every day. May it just be a two minute shoulder rub, loading the dishwasher even though that's not your chore, surprise him/her.

Ok and last but not least, you have the "I don't care" dad. Some just simply really don't give a crap, they don't even call their own mom on MD so what makes you think he'd appreciate you? And then there's the ones that bend over backwards for their own mother but when it comes to you, it's "you are not MY mother" so they don't see any reason to be thankful for everything you do for HIS children. Insert eye rolling here.

The thing is though, MD should be something between the child and mom mainly. There's no harm in having dad helping out the kids with showing their appreciation and/or giving mom the day off but the whole showing off your presents and bragging about it really isn't what it SHOULD be about.

It's funny though how you can tell how other ppl see you and what you do on a daily basis. Example. My dad sent me an email this morning asking if we are going to skype or if I was busy with celebrating Mother's Day with my kids or if they've forgotten.
Ok. First of all. It wouldn't have killed you to wish me a happy MD but hey, I know you think I'm a shitty mother seeing how I don't let my kids get away with everything. They have rules, they have to show respect and yes there are consequences. There are time outs and they get grounded. Big bohooo. Oh and second, no my kids didn't forget like you may think they probably would since they're so miserable having me as their mother. Don't you love it when your own parents always think they'd do it better? Especially when you could rub so much in their face that they didn't do right when you were still a "kid"?!
But then there's the least expected. I got a beautiful card from my husbands grandfather. Even if it's just a card sent 'cause he thinks he should, he went out and got one and wrote in it and mailed it off. And he put a smile on my face with that. It's the little things, the unexpected things that mean something.

So. MD is just another day that can either turn out great or very very bad, depending on what your expectations are and what you'll get in the end.

To all the Mommy's out there, no matter what, don't forget YOU know what you accomplish and sacrifice on a daily basis to make sure your children have everything they need and to keep your family happy and together!

THAT'S what matters the most, that YOU don't forget about YOURSELF!!

Army Wife = Bitch?

Does being an Army Wife really always mean you're a big ol' bitch? I mean seriously, I've come across A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF THEM since I've met my husband, and believe me when I tell you they learn to disguise themselves pretty well and only when it comes to that kind of breed you'll find that rank does NOT matter. They come in all kinds of sizes and colors and shapes and what not. But they all share that fake ass bitch gene. Maybe it really isn't their fault? Maybe they can't control being like that? Who knows. But then again there's so many different kinds, you have the drama bitches, the fake bitches, lying bitches, combine them all in to one bitches. Ok enough with the b word.

What set me off? Well, I've been looking for some new boards on facebook and came across a few good ones tonight. Ok, so I thought. One of them, ha, not so much. Not unless you're into white trash drama.

It was supossed to be a "debate" group for Army wives. The founder of the page and her admin would continously post questions that started debates, which hey, that's just my style, I'm always up for a good debate. It seemed to be the perfect board for me, little miss talk and debate a lot. I don't even know where to begin here, I'm still shaking my head about how stupid some women really are.

So they start a debate asking a question they know most people will have an opposite opinion to as to theirs and as soon as that happens BAM! the bitch squad sets into motion. They twist your words around, the blow everything you say out of porportion, they personally attack you and completely loose track of what the debate was really about. And all of that on purpose.

LMAO seriously, how old are you???? What kind of lives are you living that you will set up a page like that where your only, and I mean ONLY, intend is to verbally attack people and piss them off? Do you feel all strong and mighty hiding behind your computer cursing ppl out because they don't have the same low IQ as you? Are you proud to call yourself an Army wife when you do that kind of stuff? Really? What a disgrace. And really that's all that is. A disgrace.

There was also a post on that page, that was directed (and yes they used that persons name in the specific post) about how that person was back on the page with a new profile bla bla after he/she was supossedly blocked. So they start this name calling game AGAIN and it just goes back and forth and everyone just jumps in cursing that person out. WTH??? And you're telling me you're NOT addicted to drama? If you weren't, the first sign of that blocked person with a new profile, click, blocked. DONE. The way the founder/admin of that page handles things is just plain low class. Lowest of the lowest. And plenty of "followers" where right there to help a lending hand.

About 15minutes into being part of that group, I was out.

A friend of mine told me today I should really consider writing a book and lay it on the line. What the life of an Army wife REALLY is about. Not what you see on TV shows. None of that is real. It's fiction. It may be inspired by true stories, but there's so much they DON'T show. Not just good things, oh no. I really think I should be heading in that direction.
Well find the time first... That's the main goal for now.

Anyway. I hope everyone's having a pleasant evening... I just wanted to share this oh so great facebook experience with y'all. And no, I still don't think facebook is the devils work... Not yet anyway.
Peace out.

The Ellen DeGeneres Show rant :O)

Dear Ellen,

about a month ago, I was one out of 20 lucky, expecting Army spouses from Fort Irwin (CA), who were invited to your Mother's Day Special taping today. It only took about 4 days to be informed that I was uninvited since I am not expecting my first child... Of course I wasn't the only one who, all of the sudden, didn't seem worthy to be on your show anymore. So, I wrote you an email. I never got a response, and honestly I didn't expect one either. But I just felt I owed it to my children, my husband and myself to be heard. My husband has been fighting for this country for 10 years. And yes of course he's a war veteran, he's spent about 26 months in Iraq and 12 in Afghanistan.
He left for Iraq when his first born child was only 2 weeks old. He returned home on his 1st birthday, only to leave again, that time for Afghanistan, 11 months after that. But I guess we were luckier than most since he was there to support me throughout my pregnancy and was there to hold my hand when I gave birth to his son and the fact that he and his unit made it home at all is more you can ask for these days.
When we got pregnant with our daughter, we knew it was gonna be harder since he was already on orders to deploy again shortly after we found out. So when I was 5 months pregnant, he left his son and pregnant wife behind for his 3rd tour. Another year of not knowing will he be lucky enough to make it home. Not knowing if he's ever gonna get a chance to see his kids grow up. But again we were blessed and a day before the due date he came home on R&R. Our daughter on the other hand had other plans and didn't even think about making her entrance so a week before he was to return back downrange, we went to the hospital and told them that even though we knew there's no guarantee it'd work, we'd like to induce. And we did. And yes it wasn't great, it was way more painful (which isn't really a surprise if you consider that you are forcing your body to spit out that baby NOW) and it lasted for a day and a half. Was it worth it in the end? YES! My husband again had the chance to hold my hand through all the pain, he got to hold his newborn baby girl and was given an amazing 6 days with her before leaving us again. He savely returned home with his unit almost 8 months later.
One of the reasons, well probably the only real reason, we decided to go for one more child, was that he's missed so much with our son and daughter, that he felt he needed one more chance. One chance to be tehre for it all, the pregnancy and the entire first year of his childs life! All this time that he wasn't around, he can't make up for, even if he wanted to. And me as his wife and mother to his children, have to watch him hurt because of it and it breaks my heart over and over. So even though I was pretty much done pushing melon sized heads out of my vajayjay and really didn't feel like going through all the pain again, I agreed and we tried for one more. And we got lucky. Again. It was tough in the beginning since they falsely told me at 6 weeks my baby was dead. Well he wasn't, he isn't, he's alive as can be and kicking the living crap out of me right now as I write this. Must be the chocolate I just gave him for lunch... So anyway.I don't know what we were thinking but I am 32 weeks pregnant now and my husband is gone again. Shocker. BUT at least it is NOT war for once. It's "just" Korea. And yes we could have tried to go with him. But, honestly, Korea is not the place I want my children to live. I don't consider it a save place period. And right now, families are being turned down left and right to accompany their spouse, so personally, I think I've made the right decission staying behind. This way, the kids and myself never got our hopes up to be able to go with him, just to be dissapointed in the end.
I could continue to tell you about what it means to be a military spouse, I could tell you what it means to be a child with a parent in the service. Instead I want to thank you, or more the creators of the show, that you actually did think about these families and invited some of them to be part of your show. But here's also the not so pretty part I'd like to share.
Like I've mentioned I emailed the show after I was kicked off the guest list. After me, so did two other ladies I know. I'm sure there were way more, but there's only two that I know of. These two are going to be on the show... They're both NOT first time moms. They got a call back from you and were told they were of course still invited. I know from one of them, it's her first child in this current marriage. NO DISRESPECT toward anyone who got divorced and re-married, BUT, don't you think that's a bit much? First I'm told I'm not good enough to be on the show because my husband (who's been risking his ass for this country for 10 years) and I already have two children. And then we are being punished for still being married after all this time??? Seriously? Excuse me but at this point I have to throw out a big ol' WTF?! My children don't seem to matter even though they've lived through deployments just like I did. They woke and still wake up crying in the middle of the night 'cause all they want is their Daddy to be home with them. And yes I could have lied after I was asked if it was my first child (or else I wouldn't be able to attend) but I didn't. I am a mother who loves her children more than anything and I'd never deny my children just to be on your show. But it does hurt, it hurts in ways you'll never understand.
But then to top it off, we're worth even less because I didn't walk out on my husband first chance I got when things got rough. And believe me when I say they did more than ones. You're seperated for so long, yet still married. You're faithful, you wait. You raise your children, take care of everything you normally do, plus the things your husband would do if he was home. You take care of your husband who's at war and is in need of care packages and a lot of morale boosters that come in many many differrent ways. You dry your childrens tears when they are woken from nightmares about their Daddy dying, and tell yourself to suck it the hell up and stay strong, for them. You just can't afford to let the fear take you over and watching news for example is something you rarely do, because no news are good news... You keep going, even though you're exhausted, you're drained.
You maybe hide in the laundry room with a pillow pressed against your face while the washer is running the spin cycle and the kids are napping or watchin a movie, and then and only then when you know they can't possibly see or hear you, is when you let go and you scream and you cry and just break down like any normal being would in your shoes. Let's not even mention the low lives and "bored spouses" that have nothing better to do than to spread rumors around, about which soldier did it with whom downrange... It's hard. It's hard to stay strong through it all and there's many that don't make, won't make it. And heck, who knows, maybe a couple of years from now I'm one of them.  But for now I'm not. I love my husband with all my heart!
 Right now I'm married to a soldier of the United States Army and I stay behind my soldier, I support him in any way possible and I don't complain. This is his job! This is the life we've chosen!

Again, I don't expect any kind of reaction to this. But maybe the idiots behind the Mother's Day Special could take a second and realize how disrespectful it is to invite and honor a military mom to be just to give her the boot a couple of days later, because she dared to stay committed to her husband and children after 9 years of putting her own life on hold so her husband can fight for his country... That's just effed up way beyond words.

I don't care if any of this makes any sense to you in any way. And it really doesn't have to. You have to walk in our shoes to understand what this life is really about. The Military way of life.
I hope the girls that did make it to the show are going to have a kick ass time and will always remember this special day!

Sincerely,
me, a PROUD army wife, mother to two wonderful children and mom-to-be who will never let anyone make her feel like she's worth less because she's accomplished more than others!

There's no victory in war

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Honestly I don't even know where to begin here.

I cried. I sat in front of my TV waiting for Pres. Obama to address the nation. I kept thinking, it had to be true. He wouldn't come out this late at night to shoot down a rumor. It had to be true. Could it be true? I remember when we got news way back when that Saddam was captured alive. I cried then, too. Yet this was different. It IS different.
As I told my husband last night, it now somewhat seems, that it wasn't all "for nothing". Years gone at war. Seperation from the ones you love. Missing out on so much. Putting your life at risk, cheating death over and over. Loss. Fear. Every single service member was somehow part of this. It all eventaully led up to last night. So who's really to "thank" for this?

No I am not celebrating. What's there to celebrate? A mass murderer was killed. He got what he deserved. Well I guess they could have captured him and tortured him first, but nah, just kill him and get it over with. Don't risk him getting away. Again.

There's no reason to celebrate.
And what you saw on TV last night, I don't think it was people celebrating his death. I truly believe it was an act of relief. It was to celebrate the lives lost. NOT Osama's lost life.

2,819 people were killed on 9/11.
An estimated 3,051 children lost a parent that day.
Up until February, 1,461 US service members lost their lives in Afghanistan.

Over it all there's always been that one person responsible. And THAT was Osama Bin Laden.

Last night I was elated. I couldn't believe it, I called me kids downstairs to be with me because I felt the need to share this glorious "victory" with them. I wanted them to be part of history. Today, my feelings seem to have changed. What does his death change? I'm not gonna copy this crap about "cut off the snakes head" simply because I think it's cheesy and I'm just annoyed with everyone copying it to their status updates so they sound all book smart. Give me a darn break. Of course there's ALWAYS gonna be another terrorist ready to take the lead when one bites the dust. Anyone who believes it's all over now because Osama is dead, is just plain naive not say dumb.
As long as there's good in the world there has to be evil. The good will always fight the bad. When I hear people say "we got Saddam, we got Osama, it's time to bring the troops home" I wanna slap them silly. Do you really believe THAT was/is the sole purpose for these ongoing wars? How blind are people really? Hell, it sure would be nice if they'd just pack up and come home. I would be the first one to support that idea. That's if it'd make sense, which it doesn't. They're not gonna send them home because the "leader" who's been hiding like a fucking rat for almost a decade, is now dead. Al Qaida isn't gonna wave the white flag now 'cause they lost a game of hide and seek.  The war on terror is NEVER going to end. But, you may say, the USA got their revenge. THAT'S what this is all about. Revenge on that one person that brought so much pain on to this country.

Closure. You kept hearing that word on the news, every reporter used it in every second sentence. It may not be the same for every single one, but yes, it does bring some sort of closure. To me it does.
Why wouldn't it? When your child gets murdered you don't stop until the find that son of a bitch responsible and bring him/her to justice, right? Every single person who died because of Osama's doings, WAS SOMEONE'S CHILD! Still, his death, won't bring any of them back, and that's a fact.

My tears are not, never were, tears of joy. My tears were for all the pain and suffering inflicted on innocent people by one man and one man only.

He's dead. The chapter Osama Bin Laden's been closed. The next one's been opened already, it just doesn't have a name yet. The troops won't come home because of this. They'll have to be more alert than ever. So again I ask, what really is going to change? Nothing.

So while there's celebrations going on, others are fearing the worst. While they celebrate a victory, others are merely celebrating revenge. There's no victory in war, as war can and never will be "won" when you lost so much along the way...