If she only knew.
Times like these make me realize how strong you have to be when you're a military spouse and have children. It's one thing having to be strong for yourself but having to be strong for your kids is hard. Especially since it means whatever you need, want or feel isn't what matters.
I wanna sit here and cry because I'm frustrated, hurt and angry and just effin pissed beyond words. I wanna throw things, I wanna hurt someone, heck I'd even take hurting myself. Whatever outlet available to get rid of these feelings. I wanna scream and yell out the truth.
BUT I'm a mother first and foremost. My main priority and goal is to make sure my children are ok at all times. So I force a smile, even though it kills me inside. I gently stroke her hair while reassuring her that Daddy will be home soon and that she shouldn't worry. Daddy loves you and misses you more than words can say little girl, don't you worry, Mommy's always here to ease your pain, even if it means I'll be hurting more.
Tristan coincidentally told me this morning "Mommy I really want Daddy home again, I miss having fun with him!"
It's just one of those days I guess. And I mean it's true, kids can sense when something is up. They know when something isn't quite right. They're probably getting antsy and just need to be reminded that everything's gonna be alright.
And it will.
Like I said. A mother will always put her children's needs first. And a military mom has to do an extra load of that. And we do such without complaining.
We don't only live lonely lives at times filled with lots of fear and tears because it's hard waking up thinking about your soldier who's at war. Going all day without hearing from him. And going to bed crying because you're not sure if he's even still alive.
We also just keep a smile on our faces when you cry to us constantly about your boyfriend of two months who's out of town for two weeks and you're just not quite sure you'll live through this horrible separation. We smile and let you cry on our shoulder and when you actually have the nerve to say "geez I don't know how you do it, going without sex for so long? I would've cheated already!" we still smile even though we wanna strangle you right there on the spot.
When people tell us "it's what you signed up for" or "you knew what you were getting in to" we rarely ever tell them to eff off or go to effin hell! No, we again just smile and take it. For we know we DIDN'T sign up for crap! And we DIDN'T know what it was gonna be like, who the hell does? Are you telling me you ignorant piece of useless crap were born with the great knowledge of knowing what it's like to have a husband at war? No? Well then who the hell gave you the right to speak?
When our inlaws call us upset because they haven't hear from their offspring in a while and make you feel like it's your fault you tell them not to worry, he's just super busy and you remind them that he's at WAR and that you and the kids would love to hear from here more often as well. Unfortunately you have to WAIT too and in the end it's up to him to call them.
Every now and then you're not so nice when telling them. But mostly you are for the "greater good" and to keep the peace.
It really takes a lot out of a person to take all this on top of playing single mom while still having a spouse, making it through these separations that are - believe it or not - NOT easy, keeping faith in your significant other, dealing with the change in personality, never knowing how long you got left and these little human beings that are just scared and confused and need you to make it all better...
I know some don't care. They just do. And they don't mind ignorance.
When it comes to me, let me give you a fair warning:
If you haven't been to my side, don't even think about giving me your two cents cause I'll shove 'em right down your throat!
You DON'T know what it's like and for your own safety, keep your insulting "advice" or comments to yourself. You probably don't even mean any harm but sometimes silence really is golden ;O)
