Dear Ellen,
about a month ago, I was one out of 20 lucky, expecting Army spouses from Fort Irwin (CA), who were invited to your Mother's Day Special taping today. It only took about 4 days to be informed that I was uninvited since I am not expecting my first child... Of course I wasn't the only one who, all of the sudden, didn't seem worthy to be on your show anymore. So, I wrote you an email. I never got a response, and honestly I didn't expect one either. But I just felt I owed it to my children, my husband and myself to be heard. My husband has been fighting for this country for 10 years. And yes of course he's a war veteran, he's spent about 26 months in Iraq and 12 in Afghanistan.
He left for Iraq when his first born child was only 2 weeks old. He returned home on his 1st birthday, only to leave again, that time for Afghanistan, 11 months after that. But I guess we were luckier than most since he was there to support me throughout my pregnancy and was there to hold my hand when I gave birth to his son and the fact that he and his unit made it home at all is more you can ask for these days.
When we got pregnant with our daughter, we knew it was gonna be harder since he was already on orders to deploy again shortly after we found out. So when I was 5 months pregnant, he left his son and pregnant wife behind for his 3rd tour. Another year of not knowing will he be lucky enough to make it home. Not knowing if he's ever gonna get a chance to see his kids grow up. But again we were blessed and a day before the due date he came home on R&R. Our daughter on the other hand had other plans and didn't even think about making her entrance so a week before he was to return back downrange, we went to the hospital and told them that even though we knew there's no guarantee it'd work, we'd like to induce. And we did. And yes it wasn't great, it was way more painful (which isn't really a surprise if you consider that you are forcing your body to spit out that baby NOW) and it lasted for a day and a half. Was it worth it in the end? YES! My husband again had the chance to hold my hand through all the pain, he got to hold his newborn baby girl and was given an amazing 6 days with her before leaving us again. He savely returned home with his unit almost 8 months later.
One of the reasons, well probably the only real reason, we decided to go for one more child, was that he's missed so much with our son and daughter, that he felt he needed one more chance. One chance to be tehre for it all, the pregnancy and the entire first year of his childs life! All this time that he wasn't around, he can't make up for, even if he wanted to. And me as his wife and mother to his children, have to watch him hurt because of it and it breaks my heart over and over. So even though I was pretty much done pushing melon sized heads out of my vajayjay and really didn't feel like going through all the pain again, I agreed and we tried for one more. And we got lucky. Again. It was tough in the beginning since they falsely told me at 6 weeks my baby was dead. Well he wasn't, he isn't, he's alive as can be and kicking the living crap out of me right now as I write this. Must be the chocolate I just gave him for lunch... So anyway.I don't know what we were thinking but I am 32 weeks pregnant now and my husband is gone again. Shocker. BUT at least it is NOT war for once. It's "just" Korea. And yes we could have tried to go with him. But, honestly, Korea is not the place I want my children to live. I don't consider it a save place period. And right now, families are being turned down left and right to accompany their spouse, so personally, I think I've made the right decission staying behind. This way, the kids and myself never got our hopes up to be able to go with him, just to be dissapointed in the end.
I could continue to tell you about what it means to be a military spouse, I could tell you what it means to be a child with a parent in the service. Instead I want to thank you, or more the creators of the show, that you actually did think about these families and invited some of them to be part of your show. But here's also the not so pretty part I'd like to share.
Like I've mentioned I emailed the show after I was kicked off the guest list. After me, so did two other ladies I know. I'm sure there were way more, but there's only two that I know of. These two are going to be on the show... They're both NOT first time moms. They got a call back from you and were told they were of course still invited. I know from one of them, it's her first child in this current marriage. NO DISRESPECT toward anyone who got divorced and re-married, BUT, don't you think that's a bit much? First I'm told I'm not good enough to be on the show because my husband (who's been risking his ass for this country for 10 years) and I already have two children. And then we are being punished for still being married after all this time??? Seriously? Excuse me but at this point I have to throw out a big ol' WTF?! My children don't seem to matter even though they've lived through deployments just like I did. They woke and still wake up crying in the middle of the night 'cause all they want is their Daddy to be home with them. And yes I could have lied after I was asked if it was my first child (or else I wouldn't be able to attend) but I didn't. I am a mother who loves her children more than anything and I'd never deny my children just to be on your show. But it does hurt, it hurts in ways you'll never understand.
But then to top it off, we're worth even less because I didn't walk out on my husband first chance I got when things got rough. And believe me when I say they did more than ones. You're seperated for so long, yet still married. You're faithful, you wait. You raise your children, take care of everything you normally do, plus the things your husband would do if he was home. You take care of your husband who's at war and is in need of care packages and a lot of morale boosters that come in many many differrent ways. You dry your childrens tears when they are woken from nightmares about their Daddy dying, and tell yourself to suck it the hell up and stay strong, for them. You just can't afford to let the fear take you over and watching news for example is something you rarely do, because no news are good news... You keep going, even though you're exhausted, you're drained.
You maybe hide in the laundry room with a pillow pressed against your face while the washer is running the spin cycle and the kids are napping or watchin a movie, and then and only then when you know they can't possibly see or hear you, is when you let go and you scream and you cry and just break down like any normal being would in your shoes. Let's not even mention the low lives and "bored spouses" that have nothing better to do than to spread rumors around, about which soldier did it with whom downrange... It's hard. It's hard to stay strong through it all and there's many that don't make, won't make it. And heck, who knows, maybe a couple of years from now I'm one of them. But for now I'm not. I love my husband with all my heart!
Right now I'm married to a soldier of the United States Army and I stay behind my soldier, I support him in any way possible and I don't complain. This is his job! This is the life we've chosen!
Again, I don't expect any kind of reaction to this. But maybe the idiots behind the Mother's Day Special could take a second and realize how disrespectful it is to invite and honor a military mom to be just to give her the boot a couple of days later, because she dared to stay committed to her husband and children after 9 years of putting her own life on hold so her husband can fight for his country... That's just effed up way beyond words.
I don't care if any of this makes any sense to you in any way. And it really doesn't have to. You have to walk in our shoes to understand what this life is really about. The Military way of life.
I hope the girls that did make it to the show are going to have a kick ass time and will always remember this special day!
Sincerely,
me, a PROUD army wife, mother to two wonderful children and mom-to-be who will never let anyone make her feel like she's worth less because she's accomplished more than others!
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