I admit defeat

How I can't wait for the "I told you so"'s and the chance to bitch slap the living shit out of every single one who dares to say it out loud.
I am done. I am exhausted. I am drained, emotionally. Physically. I'm hurting. I'm desperate.
I admit defeat.

What is it this time around that makes me wanna kill myself? No I am not going to kill myself, but if killing myself would just mean I'd be gone for a while and be back when things are different, when they're better, and it's like I wasn't even gone to the rest of the world, then yes, I would love to kill myself right now.

Call it depression, call it whatever the hell you want. I really don't care. All I know is that I'm truly overwhelmed with having to deal with all these effin idiots around me that have nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing better to do, than to complain about their lives when they couldn't have it any better. Sure we all have a different understanding about a "great life", a "happy life". But when yours is pretty similiar to mine, yet a whole lot LESS stressful, then I'm sorry, I don't think I'm the kinda person who needs to hear your pathetic complaints.

Let me make one thing clear, once and for all. If you have a husband in the Army, do not expect him to come home at a decent time every day. Don't even bother wasting a second of your time expecting him to come at the same time every day. There's no such things as a fixed schedule. There's no such thing as a guarantee. Sure there's always exceptions, god bless you if your husband's rank is high enough to be able to do whatever the hell he wants to, yet he doesn't have enough rank or responsibility having to stay until the job actually gets done. If you're husband makes it home in time to kiss your kids good night, then you're god damn lucky in my eyes. Especially the fact that he indeed does get to come home every night.
We are at war. Not just one war, far too many. To sit here and complain that "oh my god, he came down on orders, he has to deploy next year but we are having a baby in three months" is not just pathetic, it is disrespectful to the thousands of spouses out there, who didn't have that luxury of having their husbands home all these years. Who didn't have them by their side when they gave birth. We've been at war with Iraq since February of 2003. That's about 8 years and a bit over two months. My first born son just turned 8, three weeks ago. What does that tell you? How many times do you think MY husband has been deployed since just that one war has been going on? Let's not even mention Afghanistan, let's not mention time away at schools, endless training missions with weeks away from home over and over, alone the PREPARING for war which in Aviation means preparing your helicopters, flying them out somewhere and "packing them up" all nice and neat to put them on a boat. He's not just gone for the time being deployed, there's a lot of time in between deployments where he's gone. And I accept that. It is his JOB. He doesn't work at Walmart, or Home Depot or an office where they work 9-5. My husband is a soldier of the United States Army. He serves his COUNTRY. If you have been part of the Military for more than two years, and you are just now having to deal with "the big D" word, seriously, you DO NOT have the right to complain. Nowadays to make it two years without being sent to either war is damn lucky. So again, you don't get to complain. You don't. At least not to me.
And then to sit there and to add to that, "oh i hate his effin command, they're making him work late again", "don't they care about what i need at all?" That one always literally makes me LaughOutLoud.
No they don't care about YOU. Again. We are at war. We once had a post commander that put in blunt as can be "If the Army wanted a soldier to have a spouse, it'd issue one" Harsh, yet true.
The way I see this whole bitching and complaing about the Army thing, is this. Yes I do bitch and complain all effin day long about anything you can possibly imagine. Because I was never given the chance to speak up and make my voice heard when I was a kid. I didn't matter, what I needed or wanted, my feelings, didn't matter. I am a grown woman now. And whether you like it or not, I will let you know what I think need, want or feel. Regardless if that will piss you the hell off and get your panties in a bunch. When you get pushed around enough you'll eventually learn how to push back. But see MY bitching and complaing is mainly about the ignorant ppl around me. Their stupidity, arrogance and carelessness is making me sick. Because of that, I get called angry, and bitter. Sounds good to me. I am angry. I am very angry. I may also be bitter. My surroundings made me this way. It's why I try to stay away from ppl as much as possible. Ok back to the Army issue. When you choose to publicly complain about something, you always have to deal with the consequences. Just like I have ppl pissed at me when they read this blog, because they feel attacked. Hun, I know quite a lot of ppl and if you really feel the need to feel personally attacked about every little thing I say, if you really always have to feel like it's directed at you, then I simply can't help you. I do blow off steam with dignity and respect though. I respect others, I don't have to drag names into it and I sure as hell don't have to make my husband look like a fucking retard who didn't teach his spouse a single thing about the Army. See, I am a very outspoken person. I think there's no point in arguing about that. And I will give you my opinion on Obama and politics in general and the Army and a whole lot of other things, if you ask me about it. Yeah well and sometimes even when you dont' ask me about it but that's beside the point.
 But there's a fine line a spouse should never ever cross. You don't sit there and use the internet to blow off steam when you can't keep unit specific information to yourself. Publicly trashing your husbands command, using their unit names or even worse, his commanders name and such, that's just plain S T U P I D! Do you even realize how much trouble you can get your husband in to? Yes. Now comes the part where you'd say "well I'm my own person, he's not my babysitter" Wrong. He indeed now IS your babysitter. You are command sponsored, aren't you? Well, therefor you've earned the priviledge to reside with him on post, the Army provides you with housing, you have the priviledge to shop at the exchange, the commissary and what not. The Army takes care of you, good care of you. But. If YOU screw up, it falls down on him. I'm not saying think before you speak, 'cause that'd make me a hypocrite, lords knows I barely ever think before I speak ;O) But let's just say, make sure you know your place before you speak.
So what was that rant all about you ask? I'm just tired of these pathetic spouses who do nothing but complain. I always try and think what these soldiers must be thinking knowing their spouses do nothing but talk shit about their job and yap away (and I mean they have to listen to it over dinner, or at least constantly nod their heads pretending that they're listening). I don't think knowing that your spouse doesn't support you in what you do, is that great of a feeling.

That being said, let's move on.

I love California, I love me my desert (well somewhat, I could definetely go without the spiders and bugs and snakes and what not). I love love love SoCal. But this place, Fort Irwin, in particular, I am sick of it. Not because of the place, post, itself. I'm sick of the ppl. There's a few normal ones, you'll always find a few ppl that are the exception to the rule, I know that. But if it's not lazy fucks that don't even bother to provide you with any kind of quality customer service and show some respect knowing that you'll come back anyway, because who the hell wants to drive over 30miles with a 55mph speed limit for a pack of diapers or a gallon of milk? Well there's enough bored and spoiled housewives out here who would, but I'm not one of them. So if it's not that group of ppl, it's the ones that again, bitch and moan about everything. Oh this sucks, and this sucks, and oh my god I can't believe, and .... Goodness get off your fucking high horse and suck it up already. Would it kill you at least try and make the best out of being here? I've hear ppl say "well the Army forced me to come here" NO you arrogant piece of turd. The Army doesn't care about you. As far as the Army is concerned, they'd be glad if you WOULDN'T want to be with your husband, it means less drama and less money they have to spend on supporting your ass. They didn't twist your arm holding a gun up to your head saying you better get your ass on to that truck, or else... Or did they?
So combine the "I don't give a fuck"'s with the "bitch a lot"'s and you have a dose of whatever you wanna call it that I simply can't no longer put up with.

So just for today add the fact that our water delivery guys (Sparkletts, yes I am calling you out you dumbfucks) again left stuff in front of my door that I DID NOT order. So they just add whatever the hell they want, and put it on my invoice, expecting me to pay for it. Well no more of that shit, fuckers.

I go and pick up Mimi from daycare, and they're telling me my amount that's due and then I hear her say "plus the fee from last time". Excuse me now what did you say??? Fee from WHAT time? I am not a penny pincher, and we're only talking about $3 here, but, I never walk out that building without paying. Heck they don't even give you the chance to do that. She said they'll figure it out... Yeah you better.

I walk into Mimi's classroom. They are sitting on the floor, quiet time. My least favorite teacher is present. I do respect her 'cause she's from Panama, my husband was born there, his mom is panamanian, with a very heavy accent, so I'm not new to this. I'm a foreigner, too. I was born and raised in Bratwurstland. But do you really have to let someone be a teacher and work with Pretodds who barely speaks any english at all? If I am having problems understanding her, what about the kids?
Anyway so Mimi sees me and gets up and slowly starts walking toward me. Oh no here goes Miss Panama "AH NOOO you SI DOWW" Yeah she didn't see Miss Hormonal-Irritation behind her also knows as Kaitlyn's mother...I made myself seen and just gave her one of my "excuse me, you may wanna slow your effin horses, 'cause I'm about to slap the silly out of you" looks and said, "she's trying to come to ME if you don't mind'. Ahhh ahahahahah is a yo Mommy. You bet your ass it is.
So great, Mimi was wet. I throw the teacher another one of my looks. Oh ahahahaha he wa sitin o si carpi he di no sai noti. Uhm yeah well maybe because YOU order her to sit her ass back down as soon as she shows the slightest attempt to get up, maybe THAT'S WHY she didn't quite make it to the potty. Useless ppl I tell ya. Got her changed and here she tells me again about the carpi and how HE di no sai noti. Shut it already. I don't care about your carpi and Mimi's a GIRL therefor it's SHE not HE.

Then the Commissary didn't let me use my coupons. You can't double. Yeah using two different coupons on one item isn't doubling you idiot. Ok whatever. Keep your effin crap then. Paid for the other stuff and left.

At home I went on to my daily dose of picking my sons brain who I love to death but boy is he making me wanna bang my head into the wall!!! I don't like to be ignored every day. I hate having to repeat myself every day. I don't like it when you pretend I'm stupid. I especially don't like it when you act like YOU'RE stupid. He's one of the smartest kids I know (and no I'm not just saying that because he's MY, he IS very smart) so please oh god please stop trying to get away with stupid shit because you see other kids do it.

May I take your order please?
Oh yes you may. I would like a big fat plate of patience, covered with melted gouda cheese (just for the heck of it), a side of ignorance (which would make it much easier to deal with all these ppl around me), substitude the corn with some chill pills and for dessert a big bowl of fresh strawberries that haven't been purchased at the commissary (just because I've been craving them for so long and the commissary here NEVER has fresh and good quality strawberries, unless you consider rotten and moldy strawberries good quality).
Oh and if you could make me a triple sex on the beach, no alcohol but the same taste and affects as if it had alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. MmmmK. That's it. Thanks.

Thank you God for giving me a wonderful husband who will quietely take my rants and anger at the world, who will still love me no matter what, because he took the time to know me. Thank you for making him love me for me and letting me love him in return.
Thank you for my wonderful children who drive me absolutely insane but then come up to me to "sprinkle love on my food" or tell me "to please don't make a pouty face, you gotta smile like this CHEEEEESE" when they know I'm having a shitty day (no joke, they do that sort of thing).
Thank you for the constant runs to the bathroom, the kicks on my blatter that ALMOST make me pee in my pants (I said ALMOST), the cervix pressure, the back aches, the fatigue, the terrible mood swings that even annoy myself, the achy feet, the fact that I tip over forward when bending down, that I'm out of breath when walking up and down our tiny stairwell. I thank you for putting that life inside of me. For my soon to be baby boy Little A.
Thank you for the few friends that stuck with me all these years. They, like my husband, actually KNOW who I am. And I know who they are :O)

I thank you with all my being for everything I have. For everything you put me through, good or bad. It has made me the person I am today.

When they push, when they pull, tell me can you hold on?
When they say you should change, can you lift your head high, and stay strong?
Will you give up, give in, when your hearts crying out that it's wrong?
Will you love you for you at the end of it all?
In life there's gonna be times when you're feeling low
And in your mind, insecurities seem to take control
We start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is:
Don't be scared to fly alone
Find a path, that is your own
Love will open every door
It's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know
All the answers, they will unfold
What are you waiting for?
Spread your wings and soar


I am slowly drifting, into a peaceful breeze :O)
Peace out.