Stitch by stitch and one day at a time

Through hell and back, heart torn out,
You uncover what's beneath my skin
There and back, there's no doubt, your touch is my medicine

I'll be okay, 'cause you heal me...

And I'll give you all my pieces broken
In your hands, there's nothing that you can't fix
My heart is frayed, my scars are open
So put me back together now, stitch by stitch
Put me back together now, stitch by stitch.

He's gone. Again. At 04:45 this morning we made the drive to LA to drop of my husband to finish his tour in Korea. He walked off and left me and the kids behind. Not by choice and definitely not without broken hearts. 

It just doesn't get any easier it seems. He's been to Iraq, twice. Afghanistan. We've been through worse that's for sure. Yet this time around, today, it seemed like it's the worst it's ever been. I think the more you love someone, the happier you are, the more and worst it'll hit you. 

I can't put into words how heart broken I am today. It hurts. Beyond words. 

I gotta give myself a couple of days to adjust to this and then - finally - get back to writing... 

Until then ... 

Best regards, 

Stefanie Adams-Figueroa 

"if you only have love for your own race, then you only leave space to discriminate" 

The reason

May I introduce to you the reason for my absence:

Adrian Alexander
Born June 30th, 2011
@10:49pm
8lbs 11oz
21.1 inches

Little too late

I have to rant for a minute and just say that I find it truly sad and somewhat disgusting how certain people start asking me NOW when I'm due, if my husband will be home anytime soon and who is taking care of my other kids while I'm in the hospital.

Can't handle my bitchy attitude? Well excuse the hell out of me but I am a little hurt that for the passed 9 months I didn't matter and no one gave a shit about me, my husband and kids and the fact that we were told our baby was dead when he wasn't.

No one bothered on your end. No one ever asked how we were. How we were dealing.

After we found out that it was a false diagnosis and our baby was alive as can be, it seemed like nobody cared anymore to even ask if we needed anything so far away from anyone.
I know there's been other "big events" and "great changes" on your end but
I am still waiting on anyone of you to ask at least about the kids and how they've been handling their daddy leaving in early march. Well don't ask now, if you truly cared it wouldn't take me ranting for you to realize that you have failed them.

Oh and I don't mean to worry you seeing how your life must be so darn busy, but I'm GBS positive which isn't something you wanna hear when you're about to give birth and our SON (yes you can stop calling him "it") may have downs. You'd know all these things if you would be an active part of my life, our life.

And sadly, the kids have had the worst time with their dad being gone, they have been on their worst behavior which is normal but it'd be pretty effin awesome if you'd stop calling them the best behaved kids a mother could ask for and telling me I'm a shitty mom and that I'm ungrateful and all I ever do is complain about them. What do YOU know? You know absolutely nothing!

I've been losing weight due to all the stress rather than gaining. I've been a wreck but I've made it. I'm here, I'm alive, so are the kids.

So. Let's make one thing clear. I appreciate the "nice gesture" of now trying to show an interest because you know it must be about "that time" now and neighbors and friends who know me are probably asking you "so did she have the baby yet" and it probably makes you feel like a complete moron not knowing the answer, but I can clearly live without your dumb questions and your false pretends.

Like I said my husband made it home on Tuesday, the kids are in heaven and won't let him out of his sight! I take in every second I can having him home! We are happy as can be!
His mom is coming in today, she's taking care of the kids while I'm in the hospital with my husband by my side. Yes, THAT'S one thing you forgot to ask, it's not just about who takes the kids it's also about who gives ME some support while giving birth.
When she leaves his dad will stay with us for a couple of days. On the 17th of July it'll be back to being just the kids and me. But I'm sure THAT you'll forget as well, just as you did when he left in march. But that's ok. I really didn't expect much to begin with but it just irritates me beyond words when all of the sudden people pretend that they care. Two days before my due date is kinda late don't you think?

Usually I'd say better late than never, in this case it's different. Sometimes "never" would be the better choice.

End of rant.

Best regards,
Stefanie Adams-Figueroa 

"if you only have love for your own race, then you only leave space to discriminate" 

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Somebody asked me today "how are you feeling?" my answer: supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Simple as that :O)
I know I know I've been slacking big time lately but blame it on the fact that I'm due to squeeze out a melon sized head through my vajayjay in more or less than 20 days...
BUT I woke up today to see that Army Wives' Lives has posted an interview with me about my blog today, so I thought I'd share that with y'all :O)
http://networkedblogs.com/iSZ1n
I'll be back soon - promise!
Best regards,
Stefanie Adams-Figueroa 

"if you only have love for your own race, then you only leave space to discriminate" 

An obese chick's rant :O)

Breathe. Ok. I'm asking, no I'm begging you all to correct me on this blog, leave your comments, whether you agree or disagree. I can't possibly be the only person thinking this way, so please enlighten me in any way possible.

So there's this bodyshop ad, heck let me pull up the pic so you know what I'm talking about...



So what we see here is IN MY OPINION a doll that is clearly overweight. Would she be an actual woman, depending on her height, she might even be considered obese depending on her BMI. People that know me, know I am NOT skinny. I was 10 years ago, but between two kids, a lot of emotional changes and stress and of course getting older, I turned into something worse looking than this doll. Not because "that's just what happens" no, because I LET IT happen. Sure gravity will do it's best, and you can't fix stretched out skin unless you get an operation BUT being OBESE has NOTHING to do with having kids. Yes your body changes when you have kids, but heck no am I gonna let anyone tell me that it's NORMAL to be obese or overweight after you have kids. IT IS NOT.

Again. IN MY OPINION this doll looks NOT healthy. Now I don't agree with stick figure models that show every single bone on their body. It's disgusting and we all know that also isn't healthy.
But I seriously can NOT relate in any way, to women who are saying the doll in this picture is what we should teach our daughters to reach for! What the hell is wrong with you? Yes we need to teach our daughters and not just them, we need to teach our children in general that IT IS indeed ok to NOT look like skin and bones! I am all for that. But it shocks me that there are so many women who truly believe that this doll is our future. "most women look like that doll". Yes sadly, the majority of women in the United States of America does look like that. I'm not gonna argue with that. But you blind fool, that doesn't mean it's what they're supposed to look like!!!! I know there's no point in arguing with someone who obviously can't differeniate between fact and fiction but goodness gracious they have to invent a way to slap people upside the head through the internet!!!
AGAIN I AM CONSIDERED OBESE, borderline but I'm there. Well I can't really say right now because I'm pregnant and apparently I've gained only 6lbs so far and I'm due in 26 days so yes, I might "only" be overweight now but nonetheless. You can't accuse me of being "just a skinny bitch who is calling all ppl that look like that doll, fat and lazy" Newsflash, I NEVER SAID THAT. I am so sick and tired of this effin drama coming from little girls that have absolutely NO life experience and can't have a discussion based on facts and stick to their ignorant and blind ways just for the heck of it. Let's see how many I can round up who act just as imature as me hehehehehehe *insert stupid shallow laugh here*

I'm the first one who will admit I am wrong and the first who will realize when it's just simply not worth wasting another word. But lord do I wanna grab some of these kids by their shoulders and just shake the stupid out of them.

Hey, I'm sure there's plenty of people who think the doll in the picture is NOT overweight looking. It's all in the eye of the beholder, right?

But, this is my PERSONAL blog and I will state my PERSONAL opinion. Same goes for my personal websites or whatever else I call my own. If you don't agree with it, give me facts, don't sit there like a little sourpuss and call me "ignorant" and "mean" and that I'm "attacking" you. GROW THE EFF UP ALREADY!

Having an opinion is one thing - you aren't always gonna find people who agree with what you have to say.

Voicing your opinion publicly is another - if you can't stand up for yourself, then you really need to THINK FIRST before you open your mouth...

Dear Supermom

Dear Supermom,

Today I am writing you in regards to my terrible parenting skills. I am seeking your advice and help seeing how I am clearly NOT capable of raising my children the right way.

Please don't count in the facts that I am currently a little slow on my feet seeing how I'm a 200lbs cow who is awaiting the arrival of her third child in 28 days, a "single mom" with a husband abroad serving his country. I am truly sorry that I am currently not able to run a marathon due to this baby putting all this weight on my cervix that it's hard to walk from the couch to the potty and back. I know it's a disgusting sight and I am trying my best to make my children's lived less miserable and giving them every second of stored energy rather than resting.
I don't know if you can somehow relate to how it is without a husband in the service and two children that don't know how to deal with daddy being gone so they start going cookoo. The constant fighting and screaming in this house clearly is because of my lack of parenting skills and keeping them busy 24/7. Be advised when I say "constant" I mean AT ALL TIMES POSSIBLE. I'm not sure what's worse, the fighting and screaming that doesn't involve me - well not until the try to beat each other in who can run faster to mommy to tell on the other - or, how easy it is for them to completely ignore everything I say.

Don't mind that it's been rough on me that family really isn't what it's intended seeing how I have absolutely NO support here whatsoever. Yes they're far away, but there isn't even such thing as morale support coming from the ones that brought me into this world and the ones that grew up under the same roof as I did.
I guess between all of this and paying bills, cleaning the house, setting up for the new baby, planning summer activities for the kids, cooking, laundry, the family pets, doctors visits, ER visits, the dentist, playdates, fundraisers, volunteer work, teaching things from learning how to write your name, potty training, meaning of holidays and answering any possible question they could have, I must have lost my ability to be a good mom because today I dared to let them play in the backyard with me just sitting in a chair and looking up in the sky TRYING to find a moment to rest. Prior to that I filled up their new kiddy pool with about two inches of water and reminded them of a few rules: don't touch my plants, don't throw anything in that pool, look out for spiders and snakes.
15 minutes later I decide it's time to go inside seeing how my daughter thought it'd be oh so funny so hose down my windows with the garden hose and her brother was yelling at the top of his lungs for her to stop and "counting" like he's her dad, which well, he isn't. So on our way inside I look at the KIDDY pool and oh how prettyful, the water was covered with flowers. Of course there was no answer to my question to why such flowers were in there. Four big eyes and open mouths definitely was all I could expect.

And then to top it all off, I had the nerve to post a very sarcastic status about the flower-pool incident just to be put in my place an reminded what a shitty parent I must be for leaving my unsupervised and obviously too young (or else they'd listen) children outside with a pool they can drown in.

I'm sorry Supermom.
I don't know where I went wrong and why my children simply act like children act, well unless they're so terrified of their parents that they even ask permission to breathe. I don't know why they can't follow every single instruction given, must be a disease because when I was still working as a child and youth program assistant for the united states army, I saw quite a LOT of that and I was always surprised how un-adult-like these kids behaved even though they are meant to listen to each command after hearing it for the first time. My children must suffer from the same horrible virus.

I know my jealousy of your perfect picked fence life with a husband who works 9 to 5 and gets the weekends off, your parents and inlaws living in the same zipcode and your perfect little todds, is downright disgusting and uncalled for, I know.

BUT:
Honestly, i REALLY don't give a shit what you have to say about my oh so poor parenting skills. I've been doing this for more than 8 years and by no means am I perfect, bun unless you have walked as little as a mile in MY shoes, and know the whole story, don't effin judge me as for I don't need your ignorance to mess with my good mood.

Thanks for your time, Supermom. I'm looking forward to your response. NOT.

You'll never know unless you've been to "the other side"

Mimi is sitting next to me on the couch. With her flute... My ears are ringing already but she just said "Mommy, maybe I should play louder so Daddy hears it and comes home faster!?"

If she only knew.

Times like these make me realize how strong you have to be when you're a military spouse and have children. It's one thing having to be strong for yourself but having to be strong for your kids is hard. Especially since it means whatever you need, want or feel isn't what matters.
I wanna sit here and cry because I'm frustrated, hurt and angry and just effin pissed beyond words. I wanna throw things, I wanna hurt someone, heck I'd even take hurting myself. Whatever outlet available to get rid of these feelings. I wanna scream and yell out the truth.
BUT I'm a mother first and foremost. My main priority and goal is to make sure my children are ok at all times. So I force a smile, even though it kills me inside. I gently stroke her hair while reassuring her that Daddy will be home soon and that she shouldn't worry. Daddy loves you and misses you more than words can say little girl, don't you worry, Mommy's always here to ease your pain, even if it means I'll be hurting more.

Tristan coincidentally told me this morning "Mommy I really want Daddy home again, I miss having fun with him!"
It's just one of those days I guess. And I mean it's true, kids can sense when something is up. They know when something isn't quite right. They're probably getting antsy and just need to be reminded that everything's gonna be alright.
And it will.
Like I said. A mother will always put her children's needs first. And a military mom has to do an extra load of that. And we do such without complaining.

We don't only live lonely lives at times filled with lots of fear and tears because it's hard waking up thinking about your soldier who's at war. Going all day without hearing from him. And going to bed crying because you're not sure if he's even still alive.

We also just keep a smile on our faces when you cry to us constantly about your boyfriend of two months who's out of town for two weeks and you're just not quite sure you'll live through this horrible separation. We smile and let you cry on our shoulder and when you actually have the nerve to say "geez I don't know how you do it, going without sex for so long? I would've cheated already!" we still smile even though we wanna strangle you right there on the spot.

When people tell us "it's what you signed up for" or "you knew what you were getting in to" we rarely ever tell them to eff off or go to effin hell! No, we again just smile and take it. For we know we DIDN'T sign up for crap! And we DIDN'T know what it was gonna be like, who the hell does? Are you telling me you ignorant piece of useless crap were born with the great knowledge of knowing what it's like to have a husband at war? No? Well then who the hell gave you the right to speak?

When our inlaws call us upset because they haven't hear from their offspring in a while and make you feel like it's your fault you tell them not to worry, he's just super busy and you remind them that he's at WAR and that you and the kids would love to hear from here more often as well. Unfortunately you have to WAIT too and in the end it's up to him to call them.
Every now and then you're not so nice when telling them. But mostly you are for the "greater good" and to keep the peace.

It really takes a lot out of a person to take all this on top of playing single mom while still having a spouse, making it through these separations that are - believe it or not - NOT easy, keeping faith in your significant other, dealing with the change in personality, never knowing how long you got left and these little human beings that are just scared and confused and need you to make it all better...

I know some don't care. They just do. And they don't mind ignorance.
When it comes to me, let me give you a fair warning:

If you haven't been to my side, don't even think about giving me your two cents cause I'll shove 'em right down your throat!
You DON'T know what it's like and for your own safety, keep your insulting "advice" or comments to yourself. You probably don't even mean any harm but sometimes silence really is golden ;O)